I was having trouble sleeping one morning. I had a hangover, but otherwise I was feeling pretty good. I had a realization as I looked at the sun rising through my open shutters. My realization was this: People live for seventy or so years and the universe has been here for billions. The life a person is hardly a fraction compared to how long the universe has been here. We only remember the important people from a thousand years ago. Little is said about the peons. A thousand years from now what will people remember about me? What will they remember about you? This thought has the ability to depress people and make them say, “Fuck it all”. But, I took this thought and make myself wake up to it everyday, because what it has shown me is that I have to make every attempt to make something memorable. Although it has really perked my mood in the last few weeks, it is something that can leave me asking, “What is next?”
This photo was taken at Oktoberfest in 2009. This photo is no different from the millions of others like it on Myspace and facebook and what I am about to say regarding it is no different either.
I could say a lot about that night. I can gripe about the long lines to get food or the price of beer. But I am going to look at how this brief instance effected the following days and myself right now. The guy—myself—and the two girls in focus are surely drunk. I have no qualms about that, but I don’t think that changes anything at all. I laughed when I stumbled upon this today and I felt uplifted by it. The rest of my workday breezed by. It took a few glances for me to realize what it was showing me. What it shows me is a link to my thoughts a few weeks ago.
The term “Carpe Diem” and its variants have been around for a long time. It means seize the day, but I believe so few can attribute that to their own life—myself especially. I think it’s one of those things people either truly stand by or don’t. No in betweens. I learned about it in an English class and by reading Ernest Hemingway. He lived his life by it. He shot lions in the face, traveled the world, drank and chased skirts. The rest of the lost generation lived that way too.
As of lately, I have been trying to live my life by these ideals. It is not an easy thing to just start doing. It takes a little push from myself, but it is something I am set on accomplishing, because for the past few years I have felt a void in my life. I have not been completely unhappy, but I realize that at one point I was depressed. Perhaps it is my job or me losing focus on school and the people that really matter in my life. I will not sugar coat it by leaving out that girls have taken a toll on my mentality and happiness as well, but as time went on, I stopped caring so much about that and moved on. I think that I am getting these things in my life in order and I do feel that void slowly, but surely, filling up.
I did not expect to see this photo, nor did I know it existed. Does this girl remember me? I doubt it. Do I or will I try to remember her? Certainly not. What this photo shows me about myself is that I am able to really take a moment and just be completely happy. Sure, I was drunk, but the moment should speak for itself. You see, although I do not remember anything at all after my eighth pint of beer, I do remember the outcome of the night. I really enjoyed the day that followed and even though I was three hours late for work, I spent those hours lost in LA with my good friend, John—the photographer of this photo. My boss was certainly pissed that I was three hours late and probably would have preferred if I had called off. My family members that accompanied me to Oktoberfest were worried about what had become of me because I was not answering any calls that morning. My parents were disappointed that I could callously forget about my job and that it was a stupid move. I begged to differ as the whole experience left me feeling satisfied.
It was fun. There is no other word for it. It is an old familiar feeling that I have forgotten how to have. I cannot say that I never had a good experience in my life, because my brother and I are blessed to have two parents that have taken us more places in our childhood years than some people get to see in the span of their entire lives. I saw this picture and what I found is that I do not need to do things like this every night or show up late with a hangover everyday. I think these things are necessary, though. If I did not go to Oktoberfest, it would have resulted in a very repressed Devin. I experienced it and moved on with satisfaction.
I am not saying this is what will change my life or that I am incapable of experiencing any sadness and depression because of this picture. Maybe I wake up when I am fifty and say it was all bullshit, but I will not know until I get there. What I do know right now, however, is that I am capable of taking a moment and making the very most of it. It showed me the definition of that phrase “Carpe Diem” and it is something I now believe to be real and I believe that ought to count for something.
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